How to get rid of depression and suicidal thoughts?

Question

Hello doctor,

I have had depression for over a year (at least symptoms of it), and suicidal thoughts almost as long. It was caused by a high school crush and has caused me to hate myself for everything I do because I am socially awkward and tend to mess everything up. I feel like I am a mess and that I made my crush life difficult at least at first, though memories are haunting me.I cry every day, the only reason I am not dead is that I do not have access to a gun. My question is about what happened today.

After school I saw my crush near who have missed the school, and she was with friends, when she saw me she came towards me and as is tradition in my country she kissed me on the cheek which was unexpected and caught me off guard, especially since we have been ignoring each other this whole school year.Whenever I have to interact with people I hate myself after it because I do not know what to say usually, and this case was not different either, but it was worse than that (because it happened in front of her). Anyway,

I left kind of awkwardly, and immediately I felt this unbearable stress, I wanted to shout but contained myself in public. Still, I made screaming faces, did that thing where I manually can create pressure inside my head and turn my face red like a tomato.I also sweat a lot, and I clenched my fists (not only), with which I would hit my other hand sometimes. It was like waves, I would feel super stressed at times, and then it would let off just a little. I could not hold back my tears. When I came home, I cried hating myself, looked in the mirror, and flipped off myself, told my reflection that I hated him, and I wished him to die so badly. I have never experienced something like this, at least not as strong as this. What happened to me, and how do I prevent it from happening ever again? Because it was awful.

Answer 1

Hello,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I can feel your emotional pain by the way you have described your symptoms. Do not worry, and you can gradually get better with appropriate support. How old are you? Have you discussed with your parents or family about your emotional difficulties? Do you have any close friends? Are they understanding and supportive? Some of your experiences are related to your crush is normal and part of growing up. However, your emotions are sometimes extreme, and you appear to get distressed by these experiences.

You report low mood which can decrease your self-confidence, make you feel inappropriately guilty and questions your self-worth. It will get better with support and treatment. It is worrying that you are having suicidal thoughts and struggling on your own. I will strongly recommend discussing with your family so that they can know as well that you are struggling. Do regular physical exercises. It will help to lift your mood and lower your anxiety. Eat regularly, sleep well. Try progressive muscle relaxation exercises and deep breathing exercises to calm yourself. You can consult your family doctor to assess for depression and anxiety. You will benefit from counseling support. Sometimes medication to lift your mood may be needed